The Minority Report - Online Dating for Asian Men
Introduction
Haha, I really don’t know why I haven’t covered this topic a long time ago, but hey, better late than never right?!
So, today we are gonna talk about what online dating is like for Asian guys. (And by Asian, I mean both peoples of the Far East, Southeast Asia, or the Indian subcontinent.)
What is the reality of online dating like for Asian men? How can Asian men get better results on dating apps? Should you just give up on online dating if you are Asian?
I will answer all those in today’s article!
You’ve heard of the notion before, “Asian guys get rejected the most on dating apps”
Is it true?
Well…..yeah…sadly yes.
BUT…..this does not mean you should just go delete your apps right now if you are an Asian guy.
A lot of my Asian clients are actually killing it with online dating.
There are a lot of nuances to this topic so please allow me to elaborate.
What I Noticed in My Own Work
Look, I’ve worked with a lot of clients and a majority of my clients are either Caucasian or Asian.
I don’t get that many African American or Hispanic clients so I can’t comment on their experiences with online dating.
After working with 200-plus clients and talking with hundreds of online daters, I can say without a doubt that ethnicity matters and there’s a racial hierarchy when it comes to online dating.
This is especially true if you want to date outside of your race. It’s still fairly easy to match with and date other Asian girls as an Asian guy (And Asian girls are fucking awesome!) unless you run into one of those….
Just like real life huh?
So yes, all the online news articles and social experiments are true, Asian guys do struggle more with online dating.
But I’m talking specifically about North America though. A big part of the racial preferences in dating is cultural, not biological. I will elaborate more on this later in the article.
But first, you need to understand that while ethnicity does matter, it’s not the only thing that matters when it comes to online dating.
Pick 2 random Asian guys out of the crowd, and assuming they are both using online dating apps, it’s very possible that they may have very different experiences with dating apps.
“Why James? I thought you said Asian guys get rejected the most on dating apps?”
I hear you, and that statement is still true. But it’s too generalizing and missing the nuance points.
Not all Asians are identical people. I will explain but first, let’s backtrack a little.
Online Dating is Mostly About Portraying High Mate Value with Your Photos
I used to nerd out on evolutionary psychology theories and one of the most popular theories suggests that every human has a “mate value” that is defined by a sum of traits that are considered desirable by mate-seekers.
I’m not gonna bore you with details, you can always google this if you are curious.
The point here is that your mate value will directly determine your real life and online dating results.
How desirable your ethnicity is only a part of the equation.
To determine your overall mate value online, women also look at your physical looks (height, facial structures, etc), social status/career, styles, and the vibes you give off in your pictures...just to name a few.
Especially for short-term dating, a tall, good-looking, and confident Asian guy will do much better than an average-looking, average-height Asian guy who looks way too nice in his photos.
Hey, I fully understand that a lot of these things are completely outside of your control.
But there are also things within your control, and if you work on these things you will bump up your mate value by a lot. I will give you more details later.
Also, women’s preferences will adapt to the type of relationship she’s currently looking for.
If she’s only looking for sexual gratification, she may prefer a good-looking and muscular guy and don’t mind the rest.
If she’s looking for a future baby daddy, being good-looking will give you a head start, but women would also prefer you to be an intelligent, responsible, and caring person who can provide her with protection and good genes.
But she’s still not looking for a nice guy though. You can be an assertive AND compassionate person. And that does not make you a “simp”, in fact, this is highly attractive to most women. Emotionally healthy ones that is.
Don’t confuse these two.
And to Put Everything in Plain Words
If you are a model-looking Asian guy with a great body, a great career. You got the style and the confidence. Then congrats you will do fine on dating apps. You still need good photos though.
For the rest of us, we do have to try a little bit harder than others. So how do you improve your results as an average Asian guy then?
By the way, please don’t take it the wrong way when I say average. By that, I mean most of us who are not extreme outliers in terms of mate value.
I will use myself as an example.
I’m pretty average height (5’11) and medium built, and I was a little chubby until I turned 23. To make matters even worse, I was the textbook definition of a nerdy nice guy. Luckily my parents gave me a decent-looking face so at least I had one thing going for me. But I sure wasn’t the most eligible bachelor in town.
Plus, I made it even harder for myself on dating apps by going exclusively after non-Asian girls.
It was just stupid pride and ego really.
When I first moved to Canada, I was mostly into Asian girls and I was doing fairly well.
But after getting told one too many times that women from other races don’t wanna date Asian guys…after encountering one too many Asian girls who didn’t want to date Asian guys, I just had to do it to prove a point.
It was retarded and only made online dating extra hard for me. I barely got any matches with people I was interested in and whenever I did, I would fuck it up by texting try-hard and desperate shit because she was like the “my only hope for love” or something hahaha.
So yeah, that period of my dating life wasn’t fun and I became super depressed and bitter after constant rejections.
Then I read all these articles about how sexual racism also exists on dating apps and Asian men/black women get the least matches, which made me furious.
I thought I was hopeless with dating (outside of my race) and I was doomed for simply being an Asian guy in a white men’s world. And my stupid pride wouldn’t let me go back to dating Asian girls because at that time I saw it as taking the easy way out.
Luckily I didn’t give up…
What I Did to Improve My Own Online Dating Results
My mistake was that I blamed all my rejections on my ethnicity alone and refused to acknowledge that I also had 100 other flaws that made me unattractive to women.
And I blocked out the fact that I knew tons of Asian guys who were successful with women.
But thank god I had a bit of fighting spirit in me, and I eventually made a promise to myself that I’m going to stop being butthurt, make online dating work for me, no matter what, and I will help other Asian guys do the same.
And nope, it wasn’t because I was a great guy who wanted to help others, I was just angry and wanted to level the playing field for all Asian guys as a big fuck you to my imaginary “Western suppressors and the evil cunts in Hollywood”.
Yeah I know, I was a colossal fucking moron haha.
Anyway, I went HAM inside the gym, started to dress sharp again, and I would go out with my two other buddies every weekend to take new Tinder photos of each other.
Also, I sought out people who were killing it on dating apps and learned from those guys, and implemented their advice for myself.
Basically, I slowly reinvented myself and became more and more attractive physically over time. And I kept improving my own dating profile by trying a bunch of photos.
And I found an amazing mentor who made me feel comfortable in my own skin and helped me start the process of acknowledging and healing my old traumas.
Furthermore, my mentor encouraged me to learn how to handle a crazy amount of social pressure and nervousness while staying calm and collected.
I learned how to be more assertive, and unapologetically go after what I want in life, and I became less ashamed of my own sexuality and desires. (Haha growing up in a strict Chinese family will do that to you).
So all these positive changes were happening at the same time and everything was working for me in synergy.
I started getting more and more interest from women whenever I went out socially and my online dating profiles started to work pretty consistently.
And this included women from all ethnicities.
Thank fucking god I was finally out of my rut. But it sure wasn’t easy bros and it took me many years to get there.
By the way, when I say dating non-Asian will be harder for Asian guys, I’m only generalizing, that there will always be women who respond neutrally or favorably to you being Asian.
As I mentioned, a lot of these racial preferences come from mainstream culture and geopolitics. So it really depends on which city and country you are swiping in.
I kept my profile the same and changed my location around on Tinder to experiment and found out that matching with women in certain parts of Europe and Latin America was much easier. Both developed and developing countries.
But in general, if you are an Asian guy from a Western country, your mate value will be higher in other developing countries when you travel. But I’m not telling anyone to quit their job and leave the West to become a full-time sex tourist lol.
How to Get More Matches Online as Asian Guys
Anyways, here’s a concise action plan if you are an average Asian guy trying to improve your results, doing these things will help you a ton regardless if you want to date Asian or Non-Asian girls:
Get in decent shape and carry low body fat %
Take care of your skin condition and personal hygiene
Get a stylish haircut that complements the shape of your face
Dress sharp and understand how to dress for your body type
Get shoes with thicker soles if you are on the shorter side
Get 1-2 tasteful fashion accessories so you have a bit of edge
Make sure you don’t look like a timid nice guy in your photos
Get a good therapist to help you heal. A lot of relationship/dating challenges originate from your childhood traumas. (Come on, I can’t be the only Asian dude who got beat up and verbally abused a lot as a kid)
These points are especially important for getting quality matches online, you can also work on your career, character, lifestyle, and social skills if you’d like to become a more well-rounded and attractive person in general.
What About “Just Be Yourself”
And yes yes I hear you, people shouldn’t judge the book by its cover and you should be honest and authentic.
Sure, you have a valid point.
But as Asians, you are already fighting an uphill battle and having to deal with so many negative stereotypes being peddled by the mainstream culture.
You have to be extra careful with the image you portray on your dating profile so you don’t get instantly stereotyped as “Another asexual, nerdy nice guy”.
Other races don’t have this problem as much.
I personally have no problem with giving my Asian clients (or anyone) all the help they can get to bump up their mate value to the highest possible. After all, online dating is all about portraying the highest value possible with your photos and Asian guys HAVE to try harder.
I always make a point to coach Asian clients well so they look more confident and dominant in the photos.
Also, a lot of the mating preferences and discriminations that may seem “superficial” are actually hard-wired into our brains and are beneficial to the survival and evolution of our species.
It’s not up to you or me to judge,
Just know the rules and play the best you can.
And being timid and nice is universally unattractive, if you are currently a nice guy and want to improve your dating life, you need to develop yourself as a man.
Think of it as going to the gym but for your character.
When people want to look better physically and live healthier, they eat better and work out more. And as long as it’s coming from a healthy place, this is an act of self-love.
You wouldn’t call these people at the gym inauthentic would you?
If you are an objectively terrible mate (I was too and I had to put in work to become more attractive) but you just want to stay the same and hope one day someone will love you for who you are…
Sorry bro that’s not being authentic and yourself. That’s called “I just want to be lazy, I don’t want to work on my flaws, I’m a brat who feels entitled to whatever I want”. Or you are just subconsciously afraid of failing so they never even try. In that case, I’d say: “come on man, what do you have to lose?”
Anyway, don’t be that guy. Sometimes life just ain’t fair and you have to work a bit harder than others.
Tough shit.
Don’t Indulge In Victim Mindset
You don’t need to feel sorry for yourself if you are an Asian guy. Just like not all Asian guys experience online dating the same, being white, black or Hispanic doesn’t mean online dating is automatically easy.
A lot of white guys I’ve worked with also struggled with online dating too. And your average white dude out on the streets probably isn't secretly plotting the demise of your dating life.
Don’t worry too much about racial inequality with your pretty little head for now, it’s a highly complex and systemic issue that no individual can fix overnight. We can only do our part and work collectively to create a better future for everyone.
The sooner we can move beyond the “us vs them” mentality and “black and white” thinking, the better we can all get along. But we are not there yet.
Going Only After Non-Asians is Dating on Hard Mode
I come across a lot of Asian guys who only want to date white girls in my work.
Listen, I’m not here to judge and I went through a similar phase too. But I’ve come full circle and I see beauty in all races and ethnicities now.
We are all human beings at the end of the day, and after you strip away all the cultural conditioning, being attractive is being attractive, race doesn't matter.
But if you want to go date a bunch of girls from other races, by all means, go do that. But I would kindly suggest that you closely examine the deeper reasons behind why you wanna do that. Just make sure it’s from a healthy place and not a reaction to past hurt and rejections.
Conclusion
So to sum everything up, online dating is indeed harder for Asian guys. If you want to do well on the apps, you have to maximize your mating market value and avoid being stereotyped at all costs.
If you are in Canada or Europe then definitely consider working with me. I’m probably the best at getting Asian guys (including South Asians too) results on dating apps. I can also work with you remotely if you are looking for some help. Click here to learn more.
A lot of girls are into K-pop these days, you should put yourself in front of those crowds if you want to play on easy mode.
Dating other Asian girls would be the easiest and you’ll face the least amount of discrimination.
Some apps are easier for Asian guys than others.
And your online dating results will fluctuate depending on which country you are currently swiping in. So if you have a location-independent business or job you should travel around the world and check out other places.
Ultimately when it comes to improving your online dating results, the most important work is to get your mate market value higher and portray it well with the right photo.
Anyway, I already put down a lot of information here and I don’t wanna overwhelm you...if you have more questions feel free to reach out to me!