On Forgiveness and How to Let Go of Your Past Pain and Hurt
Introduction
Hello there! Been a while since my last update and I would love to share my recent realizations on healing yourself and forgiveness in this blog.
Why should you care?
Well, I think we can all agree that a lot of us have been traumatized by injustice and abuse in our lifetime. Whether it’s bullying, discrimination, toxic relationships, betrayals, or parental neglect/abuse.
These things are always difficult to heal from and coping with maladaptive behaviors won’t ultimately help you.
It’s also quite common to see resentment and anger being expressed by people who have been hurt in the past.
And I get it, bro. Been there done that.
How Most of Us Cope
From what I’ve witnessed in myself and others, most people cope with being hurt with these two methods.
“fight fire with fire”
“suppress, numb, and ignore”
Neither coping mechanism is good for you in the long run.
Let me give you a couple of examples.
Discrimination and Ignorance
I grew up in China and moved to Canada when I was 15. When I lived in China, sheltered from Hollywood propaganda and racist remarks, I had no idea there were so many things I was “supposed” to feel insecure/inferior about myself.
Then you add the geopolitics on top of that.
Being a chinaman in the West was not always easy for me, and I sure had my fair share of bullshit.
Being a young and passionate guy, I quickly defaulted to being angry and lashing back at the people who bullied/looked down on me.
And I did that shit for YEARS.
I was always ready to fight, always walking around with chips on my shoulders, always repressing my anger and rage.
I became determined to “rise up so I can shit on the haters.”
And believe me when I say I listened to A LOT of hip-hop and found it so relatable haha.
This attitude did fuel me but ultimately it was detrimental to my mental health and got me into way too much unnecessary confrontations.
Parental Abuse and Neglect
I was raised in a dysfunctional family, and my childhood was filled with emotional and physical abuse.
I eventually grew to fear my parents, walked around with low self-esteem and self-loathing, and having healthy boundaries was an alien concept to me.
My relationship with my parents was so distant that sometimes I would not call them for months at a time.
By the time I turned 18, I had become the cliche troubled youth and found some very unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb the pain.
And as the old saying goes, the birds of a feather flock together.
I’ll let you guess how healthy most of my adult relationships were.
However, as I matured I Realized this
That is…
HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE. (Credit to my friend and mentor Pierre)
People who bullied me were bullied by others themselves. And they passed on their pain to me.
My parents who abused me were raised by abusive parents themselves. And they passed on their traumas to me.
And guess what! I too hurt and traumatized others in the same way I was hurt.
Maybe right now you are reading this and thinking: ‘HECK NO, I would never do that to someone else knowing how painful it is!”
Yeah, I thought so, too. Trust me, live long enough and you will come to agree with my point.
Abusers and victims are often two sides of the same coin. It’s a never-ending vicious cycle.
Unless you gain new awareness to make a conscious effort to heal yourself and break the cycle.
Forgiveness is the Best Path Forward
Hate creates and attracts more hate. LOVE generates and attracts more LOVE.
You attract what you are, think, and feel on an energetic level.
This is simply how the universe works.
I know, I used to think this was just some new age hippie bullshit, too.
But it’s true and I can prove it to you.
Take two guys in the same city.
One guy is happily married to a good woman and has positive views on women he meets in general.
And another guy keeps complaining about all women being superficial people and gold diggers.
Your inner world creates and attracts your outer experiences.
When I struggled to forgive my parents for hurting me as a child, guess what kind of people I was attracting and getting into relationships with?
Other people with a hurt and fearful inner child.
When I refused to forgive people for making condescending remarks about me being Asian/Chinese and was quick to clap back with the same kind of childish insults, guess what experiences I was reliving over and over again?
I’m not telling you to turn your other cheek and act like you are Jesus.
Not at all and very few of us including myself can do that. Sometimes I still get triggered too.
But I’m telling you that even on a selfish level you do NOT want to engage in petty thoughts and behaviors.
You Simply Remind Yourself this
“I unconditionally forgive myself for hurting others, and I unconditionally forgive others for hurting me, for my own tranquility and happiness.”
That’s it.
Everyone who has hurt you in the past was just hurt as well and acting out in pain, doing the “best” they could with their level of maturity and awareness at the time.
I’m sure you’ve also hurt others and come to regret your actions and words. But you simply didn’t know better and would have taken a completely different action if you could go back in time.
That’s why the best way to let go of your old pain is to forgive yourself and then forgive everyone else.
I will say something very “radical” here:
Even your worst bullies deserve forgiveness and compassion. They are just perfectly imperfect human beings doing the best they can, too. And you likely don’t know what crazy shit they have been through that made them that way.
Of course, I don’t mean that you should forgo boundaries and allow shitty behaviors.
Conclusion
Take a leap of faith and focus on loving and forgiving EVERYONE unconditionally instead of becoming filled with hatred and anger. You are only perpetuating the cycle.
Don’t let fear and anger keep you stuck. Don’t beat yourself up for your past mistakes. Just let it all go and focus on giving and receiving love.
Your world will transform for the better as you heal and attract new connections and experiences.
Life is truly beautiful and love is abundant, you just need to keep your heart open and hopeful to receive it.
SEEK, AND YOU SHALL FIND.
Plus, what do you have to lose :)